The Healing Game... still in process.
I wish I knew Van Morrison. Not for the reasons one would think, though yes I’m a huge fan and always have been. I owe him a debt of gratitude for getting me through a rough time with an album of his. “The Healing Game” (1997) had been released several months before I went through a complicated, intense, and as we used to say - heavy - personal experience.
At age 42, I was finally pregnant after thinking that was just never going to happen for me the ‘normal’ way and was contemplating some sort of I-didn’t-know-what to do. It was surprising, amazing, and exciting to be pregnant, though I knew it was tenuous because my hormones weren’t quite up to what they were supposed to be. I was mostly perfect about what I was supposed to do, but there were occasional slip-ups that couldn’t be helped. I’d also accidentally been exposed to some things that pregnant women are not supposed to be around. I miscarried at 11 weeks. I wasn’t shocked, though of course I was disappointed.
Actually I was confused by the experience; I didn’t know what to feel. I was grateful to simply have experienced pregnancy, if only for 2.75 months. Even the miscarriage was something I gained from, having gone through an event that so many other women had. Up until then, I couldn’t relate to much of the whole thing. I went through the days and weeks following being sort of stunned and I guess numb. Yes, the overriding feeling was numbness.
It was during this time of year that I was pregnant. It was early December that I miscarried. Here’s where Van Morrison comes in. The album had been released in January, but I didn’t get the CD until months later. Maybe someone gave it to me for my birthday? I can’t remember. Anyway, I loved it on first listen. I had taken some time off to just come back to myself and we decided to visit friends during the holidays. I was super looking forward to the trip. I love to bake, and especially love holiday baking. I decided to get everyone we were going to visit a big beautiful platter and load it up with treats. I spent days and days baking all alone in my kitchen and playing “The Healing Game” over and over. I don’t remember spending a lot of time analyzing the song titles; I was just into the music and enjoying being carried away by Van’s voice. I was healing as I baked and listened.
Lately I’ve been listening to the album again, ran across it looking for something else and thought I’d bring it out and put it on. I’m enjoying it all over again and haven’t really been reminded of anything painful. This morning I put it on and remembered the first few times I listened to it and some feelings washed over me. Mostly good feelings though. Nice smells in the kitchen. The feeling of pressing shortbread into a big pan. Anticipating lovely times with dear friends.
I had been running the first cut of the album through my head and just had to put it on so I could hear it for real. I realized I had never read the song titles, or maybe I’d just forgotten them. First song is “Rough God Goes Riding” and it’s marvelous. The whole album is, really. I guess I’m still healing from that loss, though, because reading the list of song titles, I was struck by the relevance and appropriateness of them for someone going through a rough time that they needed some solace and comfort to help them as they had no choice but to just go through. A story/song my daughter loved comes to mind: “...can’t go around it, can’t go under it, can’t go over it, gotta go through it.” A few much-needed tears came to my eyes as I realized I guess I’ll always be affected by that time. I still feel gratitude for what it launched in me, the strength and conviction that I did indeed want to be a mother, and the knowing that I would find a way to have it happen for us. I wouldn’t have that daughter if I hadn’t healed enough to go through to the other side. I wouldn’t have gotten to read her that going to find the witch story over and over again, and I’m so glad I got to do that.
Van Morrison, I am a devoted fan, and I thank you for helping me through one of the most difficult and complex times in my life. There have been others of other kinds since, and I know your work is always here for me, from which to draw strength, inspiration, and sometimes just plain ol’ entertainment.
Wishes for blessings and ongoing healing to you.
❦ ~ * ~ ❦
- "Rough God Goes Riding" – 6:19
- "Fire in the Belly" – 6:34
- "This Weight" – 4:37
- "Waiting Game" – 5:56
- "Piper at the Gates of Dawn" – 3:53
- "Burning Ground" – 5:38
- "It Once Was My Life" – 5:10
- "Sometimes We Cry" – 5:14
- "If You Love Me" – 5:01
- "The Healing Game" – 5:16
~ ❦ ~
