The Healing Game... still in process.

    I wish I knew Van Morrison. Not for the reasons one would think, though yes I’m a huge fan and always have been. I owe him a debt of gratitude for getting me through a rough time with an album of his. “The Healing Game” (1997) had been released several months before I went through a complicated, intense, and as we used to say - heavy - personal experience. 

    At age 42, I was finally pregnant after thinking that was just never going to happen for me the ‘normal’ way and was contemplating some sort of I-didn’t-know-what to do. It was surprising, amazing, and exciting to be pregnant, though I knew it was tenuous because my hormones weren’t quite up to what they were supposed to be. I was mostly perfect about what I was supposed to do, but there were occasional slip-ups that couldn’t be helped. I’d also accidentally been exposed to some things that pregnant women are not supposed to be around. I miscarried at 11 weeks. I wasn’t shocked, though of course I was disappointed. 

   Actually I was confused by the experience; I didn’t know what to feel. I was grateful to simply have experienced pregnancy, if only for 2.75 months. Even the miscarriage was something I gained from, having gone through an event that so many other women had. Up until then, I couldn’t relate to much of the whole thing. I went through the days and weeks following being sort of stunned and I guess numb. Yes, the overriding feeling was numbness.

    It was during this time of year that I was pregnant. It was early December that I miscarried. Here’s where Van Morrison comes in. The album had been released in January, but I didn’t get the CD until months later. Maybe someone gave it to me for my birthday? I can’t remember. Anyway, I loved it on first listen. I had taken some time off to just come back to myself and we decided to visit friends during the holidays. I was super looking forward to the trip. I love to bake, and especially love holiday baking. I decided to get everyone we were going to visit a big beautiful platter and load it up with treats. I spent days and days baking all alone in my kitchen and playing “The Healing Game” over and over. I don’t remember spending a lot of time analyzing the song titles; I was just into the music and enjoying being carried away by Van’s voice. I was healing as I baked and listened.

    Lately I’ve been listening to the album again, ran across it looking for something else and thought I’d bring it out and put it on. I’m enjoying it all over again and haven’t really been reminded of anything painful. This morning I put it on and remembered the first few times I listened to it and some feelings washed over me. Mostly good feelings though. Nice smells in the kitchen. The feeling of pressing shortbread into a big pan. Anticipating lovely times with dear friends. 

    I had been running the first cut of the album through my head and just had to put it on so I could hear it for real. I realized I had never read the song titles, or maybe I’d just forgotten them. First song is “Rough God Goes Riding” and it’s marvelous. The whole album is, really. I guess I’m still healing from that loss, though, because reading the list of song titles, I was struck by the relevance and appropriateness of them for someone going through a rough time that they needed some solace and comfort to help them as they had no choice but to just go through. A story/song my daughter loved comes to mind: “...can’t go around it, can’t go under it, can’t go over it, gotta go through it.” A few much-needed tears came to my eyes as I realized I guess I’ll always be affected by that time. I still feel gratitude for what it launched in me, the strength and conviction that I did indeed want to be a mother, and the knowing that I would find a way to have it happen for us. I wouldn’t have that daughter if I hadn’t healed enough to go through to the other side. I wouldn’t have gotten to read her that going to find the witch story over and over again, and I’m so glad I got to do that.

    Van Morrison, I am a devoted fan, and I thank you for helping me through one of the most difficult and complex times in my life. There have been others of other kinds since, and I know your work is always here for me, from which to draw strength, inspiration, and sometimes just plain ol’ entertainment. 

Wishes for blessings and ongoing healing to you.

❦ ~ * ~ ❦

 

From https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_H...:

1. "Rough God Goes Riding" – 6:19
2. "Fire in the Belly" – 6:34
3. "This Weight" – 4:37
4. "Waiting Game" – 5:56
5. "Piper at the Gates of Dawn" – 3:53
6. "Burning Ground" – 5:38
7. "It Once Was My Life" – 5:10
8. "Sometimes We Cry" – 5:14
9. "If You Love Me" – 5:01
10. "The Healing Game" – 5:16 

   ~ ❦ ~

Time, and how to waste it (and think you don't have any)

Oh, gosh -- I made my first post ages & ages ago; in the meanwhile we've sold our house & moved into a temporary necessary evil in the form of a small condo in a large noisy complex with a list of rules as long as a very tall person's arm.  I never, ever thought I'd live in a big condo complex BECAUSE of all the rules.  And now here I am, a renter, dealing with the anxiety of breaking rules & the consequences (in the form of $100 fines).

The above doesn't really have much to do with wasting time....  but how I tend to deal with situations such as the above has everything to do with it.  I am an incorrigible procrastinator.  I avoid things that I feel anxiety about.  I didn't want to leave my home of 12 years, so I put off packing.  The house was sold, but escrow hadn't closed & we hadn't found a new place, so why pack?  My irrational mind said to me.  And I concurred. Now that irrational mind is saying if we don't unpack then we don't have to admit we really live in this reviled little place (which isn't really so bad, otherwise why would it be packed to the gills with mostly happy people?).

So, I read a lot, post a lot (on just about every other place than this blog).  I belong to a couple internet groups.  I check other people's blogs - mostly for inspiration, and also for the sheer joy of seeing how someone else's mind works.  I am in awe of how some people are so productive, while seeming to be on their computers, posting away merrily throughout the day.  

Time.  Time to get going, time to feed the animals, time to make breakfast (lunch, dinner), time to do the dishes, the laundry, time to walk the dog (bummer --- used to have a backyard), time to get to work, time to go shopping, time to pay attention to family & friends, time to give to school fundraising, time to make time for myself, time to be creative, time to figure out what happened to all my time, time to wonder how other people arrange their time so they can do all of the above and still blog and post and go out and have fun and be pleasant to be around, not harried and stressed and tired.  OK, so I don't actually do all of the previously mentioned things every day; they get spread out over many days of the week.  So why don't I seem to have time?  

What I don't have is a schedule, other than the deadlines that must be met.  My time is unformed & fluid.  That is how I want it; yet I waste it.  Is it possible that people just need regimenting?  God, I rail against that, in a very big way.  

No real answers, just an acknowledgement of the question, and some riffing.  And now it's time to go to work...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~******************~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As it happens, I didn't go to work (what a surprise).  I have to add something I stumbled upon, which speaks so well to just what I was musing on:

 The Clock Of Life

The clock of life is wound but once,


And no man has the power 


To tell just when the hands will stop,


At late or early hour.

To lose one's wealth is sad indeed. 


Too lose one's health is more. 


To lose one's soul is such a loss 


That no man can restore.

Today, only is our own.


So live, love and toil with a will.


Place no faith in tomorrow,


For the clock may soon be still.

By Robert H Smith


Copyright 1932, 1982

 ~ or.... Etta Johnson

~ or.... Will Rogers 

~ or.... Helen Shaffer

How incredibly timely! No pun intended.  I want to give credit to the author, but apparently it's unknown.  I found this version on the first website that came up when I googled part of the quote, which I found at the bottom of a friend's multi-forwarded email.  It seems to be rumored to have been in Capone's pocket when he died, so .... who knows?  I did see that story, but had forgotten about the poem.  Snopes poo-pooed the Capone story, with some truth admitted.  

OK, now I'm going to work!

CoCoMaMa Muses on..... blogging

I've been thinking about having a weblog for quite a while.  I used to keep a journal & I pretty much always wrote it with the thought that it might be read.  Hence, I was writing for an audience & it needed to be written well.  I can't swear that every line I wrote was written well; lots of my journaling was for personal therapy & it tended toward the grandiose, with lots of freely thrown-about sturm und drang & 20's angst.  A couple of decades later, not so much s&d, still pretty angsty in my own middle-aged way.  Still not really settled on who I am & what I'm here for.  But I often feel I still have something to say, something to contribute to the world by way of posting my musings.  I can't swear it will always be well-written...

I guess this is my start.  I have had fully written musings in my head so many times, while driving in my car, or in the middle of something & couldn't interrupt it to sit down & write.  Now that I'm finally sitting in front of a screen I'm not feeling a whole lot flowing out of me.  Oh, well -- this is the seed packet I picked up a few months ago & didn't plant until this afternoon.  I only need to get the seeds under soil & give them some water.  At least I've gotten that far.  More later, or tomorrow...

CoCoMaMa 9/2/08